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We are coming up on our fourth Christmas in the shelter, and I am determined to make this Christmas worth something for my son. I don't know how, but this year my son will have a present under that stupid plastic tree, I have stared at for three years! "Mom, it's so hot in here! I'm going to die!" Billy said wiping sweat off his face."I know sweetheart, mommy is dying too." I looked at my son sitting across from me on the floor, sweat running down his body. "Take your Santa hat off dear, that will cool you off. If you have to, strip down to your underwear like mommy." I was already down to my night-shirt and panties. The heat was so oppressive, I would be naked if not for my son."I'm too hot to move!" He exclaimed, throwing his arms and legs out in a gesture of defeat. I decided to change the subject. One more word about how hot it is, and I was going to scream."Are you ready for Christmas tomorrow morning dear?" I said, not expecting the answer I got."Fuck Christmas!" He. It's the little things that I remember: the brush of your hand against my face, the way the corner of your mouth would turn up in amusement at something silly being said. But mostly I remember the warmth of your skin, the goosebumps you raised when flesh made contact with flesh (no matter how innocent the touch).It was so long ago, like the words in her song. It feels like a lifetime ago, but I still want you here with me. And all my heart can say, yes still to this day, is please don't go.But if you can't be here with me, at least I have the memories of you to help get me through the day. Those memories are so much more than what the word implies. I know memories can hurt you, I know the sweetness of them can still make you cry. But what I feel for you, yes still to this day, is so vivid and real.I still can feel your lips, pressing close to me. I can still feel your arms wrapped around me, how they kept me warm, holding me oh so close. The smell of your skin is still so vivid in my.
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